Panda Family

Category: panda mom blogs

  • America the Great

    It feels unreal, truly. To live in a developed country like America and see it is also struggling like the citizens that live in it.

    Unable to provide stability to everyone.

    Safety, shelter, food, is limited to those that can afford it.

    When the whole country cannot even handle its’ own finances, how can the people who live in it?

    When are basic human necessities going to stop being monopolized?

    When are people who found it first going to stop hogging it for themselves and when are the people that can afford to buy it all and then jack up all the prices going to stop lying to people by calling it inflation?

    When are human lives going to matter again?

    Did human lives ever matter?

    Or was this world always like that and they’re trying to cover up the scam as the history of human kind?

    This world just needs a lot of therapy and healing.

    Humans as a collective need to see the importance of being united and drain the world of greed and hatred.

    It’s a sad world, but I still have hope for the future generations. Just, maybe not ours…

  • Another Day just like the other

    Life, my life, your life, any life… goes on like any other. Whether we are alive to live the life in the form of a human or any other life form, another day we wake is another day we’ve accomplished and achieved. For those that have left the every day life cycle, they continue to live on in memories shared with those that are still alive remembering their life as they were.

    I find myself to believe that things that have passed should stay in the past but that does not mean it should be forgotten.

    As my days go by, I’m finding myself in a blur of forgotten moments and I’m left in a shell of emptiness… not really making memories to last and just living to get by.

    This is my world at the moment.

    One that I’ve become accustomed to with much desire to change in ways unbeknownst to me but akin to many others.

    I want to be able to live without any worries of health, financial stability or violence from people that have nothing to do with me.

    The greed, the hatred, when will it stop and why is it so hard to let go of?

    The state of the world that we live in is revolting.

    For a time of innovation and invention, we’ve got death and crime while people play you for a fool for their own personal gains.

    Cry me a river of bloodshed and tears but don’t dare hope for a better tomorrow of peace and happiness for all.

    Today is like any other day, nothing special but still precious because I’m alive and I should be grateful.

  • A girl I once knew

    There’s a story of a girl that I’d like to share with you. She was a lively girl full of life and passion for art and music. This story begins as she graduates high school and immediately starts her college life at her 3 year art academy where she’ll learn everything she can to be a great graphic designer.

    It was here where her life really began, no more were the days of loneliness from her high school life where she only cared about following her class schedule and then getting home to play her online games.

    You see, for her everything came easy. She didn’t care much about school or classes but yet she’d pass her tests and classes with flying colors. She was so carefree like she had no worries in life, no care in the world for anything around her. But she did have some weird obsession with this one rabbit character. She has stickers and pictures of this rabbit on everything. Her planner, id, folders, nothing was bare. She just had this creative side that I almost envied.

    Our high school had a dress code, everyone had to wear uniforms but somehow, she always found a way to stand out from the crowd. It was like she was begging to be one of a kind, just different from everyone else. But she did not crave the attention either, she was not outspoken and always just kept to herself, yet she still belonged in every group.

    She was truly a mystery to behold.

    As she starts her college life, she’s one step closer to becoming the artist she’s always wanted to be. A young aspiring artist bursting with enthusiasm to share her creative art and design with the world.

    Ah, a wild one she was.

    One who knew no fears, had no lack of confidence and was just a tad bit on the quiet side for the normal days standard.

    She showed up on the first day of class in a school tshirt they handed out in orientation day that she cut up and designed into a tank dress.

    As always, she’s just got to be creative with her outfits.

    She’s always received compliments for her fashion sense and style and people who knew her knew she will not walk out her house without being put together.

    From accessories to statement pieces in an outfit, she’ll wear them all.

    However, she was not what one would call a trendsetter either. Her fashion sense was mostly for herself and people didn’t want to dress like her and she didn’t want to dress like anyone else but on her, it just worked.

    I surely do miss this girl.

    I would never get to know her personally as our time together was a brief one but there was a hint of sadness in her, one where you may miss at first but as you get to see her more often in classes and around the school, she was always, alone. She never spoke to anyone in the class and she would not say much, just buried in her books and notebook.

    In her high school days, everything came easy, but once she started her college life in the art school she wanted to be in, she could see how little of the world of art and being a creative she knew. She was surrounded by people who were just like her, passionate and full of enthusiasm for art and design, but, they were slightly different.

    Better? More passionate? More dedicated? More knowledgable?

    This confusion led to her being less enthusiastic in her classes, even the art ones. And slowly, she just stopped showing up.

    Where is she now? How is she doing? Is she doing the art she’s always loved?

    No, she’s not. She’s gone on to become a mother and wife and she’s now a supporter of her little family.

    But I do wonder if she’ll ever continue her creative journey in art.

    Ah, but she’s already in a creative journey, one in life where she can still express herself in ways that are exciting for her. One where she can discover herself and her loved ones as they share experiences and memories together in happiness and sadness.

    To this girl I do hope she knows that she is not to blame for any mishaps that has come her way and that she’s continuing to thrive everyday even when she doesn’t realize it.

    A happiness like no other, albeit no reunion, this is a continuation of a life once shared as I continue in her path as a woman she can be proud of.

    –pandamom

  • Health Journey Stage: Acceptance

    I’ve finally arrived to the stage of acceptance with my mental diagnosis. To say I haven’t struggled or am no longer struggling would be a blatant lie.

    I’m struggling everyday not just to accept my diagnosis but also that there is no cure and that I will have to be medicated one way or another for the rest of my life. It’s completely devastating and any chances of being off medication has been shattered.

    Whether it’s a mental diagnosis or a medical one, one way or another I’m taking some kind of medication for my foreseeable future and it just plain sucks. It’s shitty. It feels unjust. It feels completely outright wrong!

    I’m not having a good time with this acceptance and I feel more alone than ever because I’m a lonely person that really doesn’t trust anyone to confide in. I internalize so much that I have gotten used to relying on myself to pull myself out of things.

    Think I’m drowning in a body of water. Everyone else outside of myself, real people in my life, is standing around me just looking, some not even looking and some pointing and concerned for me but no one steps in to pull me out. That’s because my body of water is a kiddie pool that is waist deep and I can just stand up and guess what? There’s also the ladder that is right next to me within arms reach but no one has said a thing to me. Or maybe they did but not loud enough for me to hear over my own splashing around as I think I’m drowning. Is it their fault? No. Do I want to blame them? Yes.

    But it’s not so easy as that analogy because my human emotions come into play and when my family and friends and professional health team is looking out for me trying to save me, if it’s not said in the right way or tone, I’ve taken offense where none should have been taken and then it just throws me off completely.

    It becomes a risky business with them being able to say things to me.

    And then I’m back in the water drowning in my little kiddie pool.

    Well, obviously I haven’t drowned to death but I have passed out from the “drowning” 3 times. I ended up in the hospital, not from literal drowning, but from my episodes of psychosis that no one around me knew how to help besides calling an ambulance and sending me to the hospital. An ambulance that cost over 2k out of my own pocket and then 20k for hospital stays out of pocket. I got lucky the first time because it was my first episode and someone was able to cover that cost for me through the help of my hospital but the times after? Yeah, not likely to get help because it’s a reoccurring event now, it’s my own stupid mistakes and I’m no longer a person worth the compassion to get those bills covered. Because why? Because I should know better by the second time around and no ones going to pay for all my hospitalizations because yeah it is on me. I should have to face the responsibility of those life changing events and while it sucks to be in debt. Here I am. 5 years later, still medicated, still getting help through therapy and still not able to get off medication.

    I came into this mental health recovery journey thinking, oh I’ll just go to some therapy sessions, be on medication until I’m feeling better and I can stop but it isn’t working out like this. I don’t have a team of people that is actually on the same page as me. While they want the best they can give for me and for me to be at my best, we don’t see the same solution as the best for me.

    It’s a journey I don’t want to be on, this journey of health and wellness but it’s a journey I have to take because then I’ll just be in and out of hospitals, on and off all types of medications and nothings working out for me. I just need to keep going and never give up.

    Today is another sad one, my acceptance is more rejection but I will get there one day. However that day will look like is for me to work on and find out when I get there.

    Hope you all can stay cheerful and hopeful as I force myself to as well.

    Till next time cubs~

  • Rose-colored Glasses

    The world that I live in today:
    It’s manic. It’s barbaric. It’s violent. It’s unjust. It’s scary. It’s wrong.
    Except it’s not, for some people.

    We live in societies that are supposed to protect us in all equality without prejudice for the better of our societies and the lives that live in it.. everyone should be equal. Everyone should be protected. Everyone should have the same opportunities.

    But not everyone does.

    I have hope for the future of humanity across all nations as we’re always one step closer to equality and peace but one step closer is never quite fast enough for me..

    My world may be rose-colored because of the lenses that I choose to view the world with but my lenses are not permanently affixed to my eyes or face.

    Some days it’s rose-colored, some days it’s tinted dark gray, it all depends on my mindset as I wake up and progress through the day.

    Just like how some people put on different outfits for different occasions, the way I think and feel depends solely on how my brain works. The stressors of the day, the mood and energy, the food I eat. It all plays a part in telling me how to feel and often times I’m found in a whirlpool of thoughts and I’m just spinning round and round as I carry on my day as a dazed-out zombie that’s making my rounds through life mindlessly, haphazardly.

    Day by day, year by year. It just keeps going until it stops.

    Not at my last breath but at the moment I take control and stop those thoughts from spinning me round because the matter of the fact is I’m not in a whirlpool even though it feels like it, I’m not living mindlessly because everything that I do or don’t is a decision I’ve made. Whether it is of sound mind or the best decision is just dependent on how much control I have over my own rational self at the moment.

    I like my rose-colored glasses and my tinted dark gray glasses, and all the other glasses in my collection and I’m glad I do see the world in a way that others do not because we need dreamers in this world to keep reminding people that it’s not OK to be left behind and treated poorly based on any difference.

    We are all humans that share a planet in which we all inhabit for the sole purpose of living our best lives.

    Be kind to people and maybe I’ll start giving out some rose-color glasses so people can start seeing the world as I do.

    One that is peaceful and full of hope for a better tomorrow not just for one person but for all the people that live in it.

    Another blog, another cheers~

    Good day to you my cubs.

  • Our World, Their Lives

    We live in a world that is not safe for anyone to live in. Not because we don’t have good air or qualities of life but because there are monsters people that can cause indirect or direct harm if they don’t like something about you.

    If you look at them the wrong way, if you say the wrong words, if you’re not the same in every single way, your differences of views and opinions becomes your bright red target for your livelihood, your happiness, your life.

    I’m seeing left and right all the things that matter that get buried 6 feet under by things that shouldn’t even see the day of light.

    Solar eclipse?

    TikTok ban?

    Murder?

    Mass shootings?

    Genocide?

    Human trafficing?

    These are all things that are prominent and relevant but they are not the same thing and should not be treated as the same; a catchy headline or title for some clicks, view, likes and shares.

    There are people driving themselves crazy from the injustice, the lack of compassion and non-existent care of the things that should not be of concern.

    I’m completely shell-shocked at the transparent lack of action to fix the problems that we should not be having in 2024.

    Our ancestors would not be proud.

    We’ve come so far and I do have hope we are going in the right direction but we’re missing the mark by lightyears..

    I’m sad today. I’ll be sad many other days. But I won’t give up, I’ll continue to learn and advocate for things that should matter if I continue to have lady luck on my side to protect me and allow me to live, I will do better.

    I just hope everyone else will too.

  • Me, Myself and I

    Sometimes when I’m in my own head, an epic battle is going down between me, myself and I. These past couple of weeks has been a mental war of sorts and sometimes I feel like I’ve won but then another thought comes along and trips me up, stabs me in the back and then points and laugh at me in my face while I’m trying to stop the bleeding.

    I’m some type of schizo at the moment and I say this because my specific diagnosis is so complex and doesn’t meet any of the criteria 100% so it’s up in the air what to label me.

    As always, I’m just a weirdo that doesn’t quite fit in.

    I’m used to this, I’ve always been different and I have been blessed with a life so easy that I feel like it’s undeserved.

    I’m at a point where I should be in my “destined career” but I’m not. I feel so lost, so unsuccessful. Like I’m lacking in all aspects of life.

    I don’t know where to go from here, what my path looks like and I don’t want to care about it, truly, but I cannot help but keep looking into the distance like I’ll be able to grab onto a soaring eagle and take flight to a destination that makes sense to me. One where I’m successful, one where I’m happy, one where I’m healthy. One where my brain works like it should and one that does not self-deprecate as much as I do.

    I want to be normal. Whatever normal means, I want it but it is just out of grasp. Like I can feel it right in front of me but yet I can’t see it, can’t grab onto it and I just have to accept that fact.

    It’s frustrating, aggravating, and just plain annoying.

    Today I’m winning

    Sometimes I’m winning my own battle, sometimes I’m losing, but everyday I’m fighting, with me, myself and I.

    I’m exhausted but life is worth living and I will live, I will survive until I can no longer.

    I’m a survivor, I’m a fighter, I’m a lover.

    I love myself and my family and friends.

    Today is a day to celebrate love, and I raise my taped up glass to you.

    Cheers~

    Panda Mom

  • The Peace of Conversation

    I dream of days where exists an exchange of thoughts and opinions to be insightful, honest & peaceful. Where ideas are not judged and picked part but simply expressed and acknowledged for what it’s worth.

    Take no offense where none is given and reflect when it is. Days of acceptance and peaceful conversations exist in my dreams.

    An open and honest talk with those who share this planet on which we inhabit, striving for much of the same experiences.

    To be acknowledged, accepted, and loved for being 100% who I am.

    My peaceful days are far and wide. I’ve lived many and will continue to for as long as I’m alive. I sure do hope there’s many more days, peaceful or not, but let us all be civil. Then maybe an exchange of words may not be so unpleasant.

  • My Glass of Water

    There’s a saying that goes: is the glass half full or half empty?

    Your answer gives insight to your outlook in life and from there you can determine if you’re an optimist or pessimist.

    My entire teenage life was filled with pessimism and my outlook in life was almost non-existent.

    My glass wasn’t half full or half empty, it was shattered, broken and couldn’t hold water properly.

    I always thought I didn’t have enough water, that I needed more in my glass but I’ve come to realize my glass is in my own hands and the amount of water in it depends solely on myself.

    While my water was consistently leaking, leaving me close to empty, I couldn’t keep up with the demand of the water needed to keep me alive.

    I didn’t know why my water was never full enough, why I always needed more. I couldn’t see that I could fix my glass so it stops leaking.

    It just never clicked.

    It took many years but I’ve picked up all the pieces and taped them back together. Glue couldn’t fill the empty spaces. Now my glass is no longer empty, no longer leaking.

    I can fill my own glass of water and drink from it as well.

    My journey in life is no where near over and while I cannot predict the time I have left, I will continually and consistently live as if it’s my last second and enjoy my life as much as possible.

    Cheers my panda cubs.

  • My Life Purpose

    When you’ve lived your life in darkness, the light may become overwhelming and even frightening.

    You may have to overcome it by yourself but staying strong and believing in yourself will guide you to where you need to go.

    Who am I? What do I want? How can I get it? Everything will fall into place once you have these answers.

    To answer those questions, you must become extremely self-aware. How well do you work? What do you even consider “work”? How is it defined by you?

    Then you may ask yourself, well why do you need to work? The simple answer is to enjoy your own life.

    What you must ask yourself is what do you want in life and how can you get it?

    The purpose in life is really simple. Satisfaction, contentment and happiness.

    What makes you satisfied? How content are you with yourself and where you are and what you have? And this is a tough one: Are you truly happy?

    I have found most of these answers but the world is full of endless possibilities and while I’ve accomplished the goals I’ve set for myself so far, I’m always making new goals. Trying new things and most importantly, I’m doing what I want to do to make myself happy. Not at the expense of someone else’s pain, but at my own satisfaction, contentment and happiness.

    Note: May is Mental Health Awareness Month and I’d love for people to check in on your loved ones and make sure everything is ok with them.

    Til next time cubs ~

    Panda Mom