Sometimes when I’m in my own head, an epic battle is going down between me, myself and I. These past couple of weeks has been a mental war of sorts and sometimes I feel like I’ve won but then another thought comes along and trips me up, stabs me in the back and then points and laugh at me in my face while I’m trying to stop the bleeding.

I’m some type of schizo at the moment and I say this because my specific diagnosis is so complex and doesn’t meet any of the criteria 100% so it’s up in the air what to label me.

As always, I’m just a weirdo that doesn’t quite fit in.

I’m used to this, I’ve always been different and I have been blessed with a life so easy that I feel like it’s undeserved.

I’m at a point where I should be in my “destined career” but I’m not. I feel so lost, so unsuccessful. Like I’m lacking in all aspects of life.

I don’t know where to go from here, what my path looks like and I don’t want to care about it, truly, but I cannot help but keep looking into the distance like I’ll be able to grab onto a soaring eagle and take flight to a destination that makes sense to me. One where I’m successful, one where I’m happy, one where I’m healthy. One where my brain works like it should and one that does not self-deprecate as much as I do.

I want to be normal. Whatever normal means, I want it but it is just out of grasp. Like I can feel it right in front of me but yet I can’t see it, can’t grab onto it and I just have to accept that fact.

It’s frustrating, aggravating, and just plain annoying.

Today I’m winning

Sometimes I’m winning my own battle, sometimes I’m losing, but everyday I’m fighting, with me, myself and I.

I’m exhausted but life is worth living and I will live, I will survive until I can no longer.

I’m a survivor, I’m a fighter, I’m a lover.

I love myself and my family and friends.

Today is a day to celebrate love, and I raise my taped up glass to you.

Cheers~

Panda Mom