Today I’m reflecting a lot. In life, in work, in everything that I do. I feel like I’m getting pulled into another riptide. I’ve never experienced a real riptide, thank whatever force of nature that keeps me safe, but I’ve had a few major set backs in life where I almost drowned in my riptides.

I was looking through an old notebook of mine from 10+ years ago and I found a little excerpt I’d like to share here.

For what I don’t have the courage to say out loud or even type in chat, I want to express in words on this piece of paper.

For a person like me who cannot speak her mind because of fear, fear of betrayal, of rejection, for once I want to tell you everything.

I don’t want to dive head first into anything because I feel too much. What may be a scratch to anyone else is like I’ve exploded into smithereens.

panda mom 2011

Much like my last post of being an empath, I really do just feel too much. Things that happen in the world is completely overbearing to the point that I don’t even want to exist in this world. That’s how I’ve felt since I can remember. I don’t remember much of anything beyond a certain age so it’s probably around 20+ years of feeling like this.

It took me 30 years to finally receive the help that I needed to deal and finally get some relief from this type of feeling. It’s exhausting, it’s draining and I’m completely tired of staying alive but boy is it rewarding now.

THANK YOU TO MY MENTAL HEALTH TEAM AND MEDICATION

Truly do not believe I can survive in this world without you.

But I do believe that if there’s a will there’s a way and we just have to keep trying until we do not have to try anymore – everyone’s life will come to an end one day or another, much too early or not, the point of living your life is just because you want to.

I cannot describe the pain of being alive when you sincerely 1000% do not want to and it’s not anyone else’s fault or even our own. We just have to find out what’s making us feel this way and then learn to cope and outgrow that feeling.

Today was a good day. Tomorrow may or may not be. But what I do know for sure is, for my foreseeable future, I want to live to see tomorrow and enjoy the heck out of it.

Til next time cubs~ 

Panda Mom