Tag: panda mom

  • Another Day just like the other

    Life, my life, your life, any life… goes on like any other. Whether we are alive to live the life in the form of a human or any other life form, another day we wake is another day we’ve accomplished and achieved. For those that have left the every day life cycle, they continue to live on in memories shared with those that are still alive remembering their life as they were.

    I find myself to believe that things that have passed should stay in the past but that does not mean it should be forgotten.

    As my days go by, I’m finding myself in a blur of forgotten moments and I’m left in a shell of emptiness… not really making memories to last and just living to get by.

    This is my world at the moment.

    One that I’ve become accustomed to with much desire to change in ways unbeknownst to me but akin to many others.

    I want to be able to live without any worries of health, financial stability or violence from people that have nothing to do with me.

    The greed, the hatred, when will it stop and why is it so hard to let go of?

    The state of the world that we live in is revolting.

    For a time of innovation and invention, we’ve got death and crime while people play you for a fool for their own personal gains.

    Cry me a river of bloodshed and tears but don’t dare hope for a better tomorrow of peace and happiness for all.

    Today is like any other day, nothing special but still precious because I’m alive and I should be grateful.

  • A girl I once knew

    There’s a story of a girl that I’d like to share with you. She was a lively girl full of life and passion for art and music. This story begins as she graduates high school and immediately starts her college life at her 3 year art academy where she’ll learn everything she can to be a great graphic designer.

    It was here where her life really began, no more were the days of loneliness from her high school life where she only cared about following her class schedule and then getting home to play her online games.

    You see, for her everything came easy. She didn’t care much about school or classes but yet she’d pass her tests and classes with flying colors. She was so carefree like she had no worries in life, no care in the world for anything around her. But she did have some weird obsession with this one rabbit character. She has stickers and pictures of this rabbit on everything. Her planner, id, folders, nothing was bare. She just had this creative side that I almost envied.

    Our high school had a dress code, everyone had to wear uniforms but somehow, she always found a way to stand out from the crowd. It was like she was begging to be one of a kind, just different from everyone else. But she did not crave the attention either, she was not outspoken and always just kept to herself, yet she still belonged in every group.

    She was truly a mystery to behold.

    As she starts her college life, she’s one step closer to becoming the artist she’s always wanted to be. A young aspiring artist bursting with enthusiasm to share her creative art and design with the world.

    Ah, a wild one she was.

    One who knew no fears, had no lack of confidence and was just a tad bit on the quiet side for the normal days standard.

    She showed up on the first day of class in a school tshirt they handed out in orientation day that she cut up and designed into a tank dress.

    As always, she’s just got to be creative with her outfits.

    She’s always received compliments for her fashion sense and style and people who knew her knew she will not walk out her house without being put together.

    From accessories to statement pieces in an outfit, she’ll wear them all.

    However, she was not what one would call a trendsetter either. Her fashion sense was mostly for herself and people didn’t want to dress like her and she didn’t want to dress like anyone else but on her, it just worked.

    I surely do miss this girl.

    I would never get to know her personally as our time together was a brief one but there was a hint of sadness in her, one where you may miss at first but as you get to see her more often in classes and around the school, she was always, alone. She never spoke to anyone in the class and she would not say much, just buried in her books and notebook.

    In her high school days, everything came easy, but once she started her college life in the art school she wanted to be in, she could see how little of the world of art and being a creative she knew. She was surrounded by people who were just like her, passionate and full of enthusiasm for art and design, but, they were slightly different.

    Better? More passionate? More dedicated? More knowledgable?

    This confusion led to her being less enthusiastic in her classes, even the art ones. And slowly, she just stopped showing up.

    Where is she now? How is she doing? Is she doing the art she’s always loved?

    No, she’s not. She’s gone on to become a mother and wife and she’s now a supporter of her little family.

    But I do wonder if she’ll ever continue her creative journey in art.

    Ah, but she’s already in a creative journey, one in life where she can still express herself in ways that are exciting for her. One where she can discover herself and her loved ones as they share experiences and memories together in happiness and sadness.

    To this girl I do hope she knows that she is not to blame for any mishaps that has come her way and that she’s continuing to thrive everyday even when she doesn’t realize it.

    A happiness like no other, albeit no reunion, this is a continuation of a life once shared as I continue in her path as a woman she can be proud of.

    –pandamom

  • Me, Myself and I

    Sometimes when I’m in my own head, an epic battle is going down between me, myself and I. These past couple of weeks has been a mental war of sorts and sometimes I feel like I’ve won but then another thought comes along and trips me up, stabs me in the back and then points and laugh at me in my face while I’m trying to stop the bleeding.

    I’m some type of schizo at the moment and I say this because my specific diagnosis is so complex and doesn’t meet any of the criteria 100% so it’s up in the air what to label me.

    As always, I’m just a weirdo that doesn’t quite fit in.

    I’m used to this, I’ve always been different and I have been blessed with a life so easy that I feel like it’s undeserved.

    I’m at a point where I should be in my “destined career” but I’m not. I feel so lost, so unsuccessful. Like I’m lacking in all aspects of life.

    I don’t know where to go from here, what my path looks like and I don’t want to care about it, truly, but I cannot help but keep looking into the distance like I’ll be able to grab onto a soaring eagle and take flight to a destination that makes sense to me. One where I’m successful, one where I’m happy, one where I’m healthy. One where my brain works like it should and one that does not self-deprecate as much as I do.

    I want to be normal. Whatever normal means, I want it but it is just out of grasp. Like I can feel it right in front of me but yet I can’t see it, can’t grab onto it and I just have to accept that fact.

    It’s frustrating, aggravating, and just plain annoying.

    Today I’m winning

    Sometimes I’m winning my own battle, sometimes I’m losing, but everyday I’m fighting, with me, myself and I.

    I’m exhausted but life is worth living and I will live, I will survive until I can no longer.

    I’m a survivor, I’m a fighter, I’m a lover.

    I love myself and my family and friends.

    Today is a day to celebrate love, and I raise my taped up glass to you.

    Cheers~

    Panda Mom

  • The Peace of Conversation

    I dream of days where exists an exchange of thoughts and opinions to be insightful, honest & peaceful. Where ideas are not judged and picked part but simply expressed and acknowledged for what it’s worth.

    Take no offense where none is given and reflect when it is. Days of acceptance and peaceful conversations exist in my dreams.

    An open and honest talk with those who share this planet on which we inhabit, striving for much of the same experiences.

    To be acknowledged, accepted, and loved for being 100% who I am.

    My peaceful days are far and wide. I’ve lived many and will continue to for as long as I’m alive. I sure do hope there’s many more days, peaceful or not, but let us all be civil. Then maybe an exchange of words may not be so unpleasant.

  • Enemy

    Welcome to my second song. A short quickie about self deprecation and being your own worst critic.

    Enemy – Panda Mom

    This song came to me while I was working in my office. A sudden tune came out and that became the chorus and title of my song.

    We face constant judgement everyday from everyone. No matter who you live with or work with, there’s always someone. If you’re the 1% that lives by yourself and works with yourself, you’ve welcomed your own judgement. There truly is no escape.

    While I don’t have the rule book for living life and being at peace and content with myself, I have learned a few things here and there from my 30+ years of living. Most of which I’ve learned in the past 5 years. It’s truly amazing what taking charge of your own life does to a person. I’m beyond blessed and grateful for all I have and I’m so thankful to have the opportunity to share this insight with someone else.

    While my song may not be an anthem for someone’s daily life, I hope it connects with someone in some way.

    Falling in love with music and song writing. I hope I learn more to bring you even better music in the future.

    -Panda Mom

  • Humans

    Hi Cubs,
    I’m back again with another post. Recently I’ve been really into music and I’ve been inspired enough to come up with some music of my own. The first song I’ve wrote and published is titled Humans. You can check it out below.

    Humans – Panda Mom

    This song is inspired by all the death that’s in the world right now that’s caused by another human being. Whether it be from envy or anger or hate, there’s just too many people dying and not enough justice for these lives that have been taken from the world much too soon.

    There’s a lot of theories that I can go into but I just wanted to share something that touched me on a higher level.

    My song is up for interpretation and obviously it can mean whatever the listener is feeling when they listen to my song but I’d love to be a voice for those that no longer have one.

    I hope I accomplished it with this short song.

    -Panda Mom

  • Ripple in a Riptide

    Today I’m reflecting a lot. In life, in work, in everything that I do. I feel like I’m getting pulled into another riptide. I’ve never experienced a real riptide, thank whatever force of nature that keeps me safe, but I’ve had a few major set backs in life where I almost drowned in my riptides.

    I was looking through an old notebook of mine from 10+ years ago and I found a little excerpt I’d like to share here.

    For what I don’t have the courage to say out loud or even type in chat, I want to express in words on this piece of paper.

    For a person like me who cannot speak her mind because of fear, fear of betrayal, of rejection, for once I want to tell you everything.

    I don’t want to dive head first into anything because I feel too much. What may be a scratch to anyone else is like I’ve exploded into smithereens.

    panda mom 2011

    Much like my last post of being an empath, I really do just feel too much. Things that happen in the world is completely overbearing to the point that I don’t even want to exist in this world. That’s how I’ve felt since I can remember. I don’t remember much of anything beyond a certain age so it’s probably around 20+ years of feeling like this.

    It took me 30 years to finally receive the help that I needed to deal and finally get some relief from this type of feeling. It’s exhausting, it’s draining and I’m completely tired of staying alive but boy is it rewarding now.

    THANK YOU TO MY MENTAL HEALTH TEAM AND MEDICATION

    Truly do not believe I can survive in this world without you.

    But I do believe that if there’s a will there’s a way and we just have to keep trying until we do not have to try anymore – everyone’s life will come to an end one day or another, much too early or not, the point of living your life is just because you want to.

    I cannot describe the pain of being alive when you sincerely 1000% do not want to and it’s not anyone else’s fault or even our own. We just have to find out what’s making us feel this way and then learn to cope and outgrow that feeling.

    Today was a good day. Tomorrow may or may not be. But what I do know for sure is, for my foreseeable future, I want to live to see tomorrow and enjoy the heck out of it.

    Til next time cubs~ 

    Panda Mom

  • I’m an Empath

    I feel the weight of the world
    Everyones’ suffering
    Everyones’ pain
    Unnecessary feelings that just overwhelm me

    I don’t always feel it, but when I do, it gets so tiring
    Living is exhausting
    Staying alive is a struggle
    But the willpower in me keeps me going

    I want to be part of the support that makes this world a better place

    Keep smiling at your strangers
    Keep spreading positivity and love
    Before you know it, the ripple effect to tear down the dam that’s trying to suppress change will be unstoppable with one person at a time

    Believe in yourself
    Believe in your family
    Believe in your friends
    Believe in your neighbors
    Believe in the people around you

    Don’t let negativity tear you down

    You’re more than enough to be the power that makes change happen

    I believe in you

  • Welcome to my circle of solitude

    I am a lonely person. I’m an introvert. I also have pantophobia. Which is the perfect concoction of descriptions to set me up for modern society failure as I work best, alone.

    I don’t like to connect regularly. I don’t like to be in huge crowds. But I also value my family and friends that I do have that chose to stay in my life and check in on me.

    I’m guilty. Selfish. As I admittedly do not check in as often as I should on anyone. The only ones I do want to communicate with all the time are the ones I love the most. It’s a sad story I’m writing in my life as I’ve lost almost everyone and only the true few stick around.

    The ones that are selfless? The ones that do care? The ones I grew up with?

    They are not obligated to do anything with me or communicate with me or check up on me but it must mean they genuinely care right?

    It really doesn’t matter? Humans are almost programmed to be social beings. But as societies has grown and learned, we’re being “reprogrammed” to work as individuals. You don’t need to socialize or even count on another human to survive anymore.

    Gosh, where has this blog post gone?

    Until next time my cubs~

  • Finding Peace in an Anxious World

    Lately, I have been feeling uneasy about life. I’m constantly reminding myself that I’m doing great and that things can be worst and I should be grateful that they’re not. But this is a feeling I cannot help but feel and you can only suppress feelings for so long before you explode in a mental breakdown like the ones I’ve had in the previous years.

    I’m hoping to be on a journey of self acceptance and finding joy in things I find to be painful and hard to do. In a crazy mixed up world as we are today, I find it to be quite scary. Being alive is a scary thing but I’ve reached a point in my life where I’d much rather be alive than not. Which is a huge accomplishment in my opinion.

    In my next entry, I’ll have to bring to you much more positive vibes.

    Til next time,

    Panda Mom