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Tag: pandamom
Another Day just like the other
Life, my life, your life, any life… goes on like any other. Whether we are alive to live the life in the form of a human or any other life form, another day we wake is another day we’ve accomplished and achieved. For those that have left the every day life cycle, they continue to live on in memories shared with those that are still alive remembering their life as they were.
I find myself to believe that things that have passed should stay in the past but that does not mean it should be forgotten.
As my days go by, I’m finding myself in a blur of forgotten moments and I’m left in a shell of emptiness… not really making memories to last and just living to get by.
This is my world at the moment.
One that I’ve become accustomed to with much desire to change in ways unbeknownst to me but akin to many others.
I want to be able to live without any worries of health, financial stability or violence from people that have nothing to do with me.
The greed, the hatred, when will it stop and why is it so hard to let go of?
The state of the world that we live in is revolting.
For a time of innovation and invention, we’ve got death and crime while people play you for a fool for their own personal gains.
Cry me a river of bloodshed and tears but don’t dare hope for a better tomorrow of peace and happiness for all.
Today is like any other day, nothing special but still precious because I’m alive and I should be grateful.
A girl I once knew
There’s a story of a girl that I’d like to share with you. She was a lively girl full of life and passion for art and music. This story begins as she graduates high school and immediately starts her college life at her 3 year art academy where she’ll learn everything she can to be a great graphic designer.
It was here where her life really began, no more were the days of loneliness from her high school life where she only cared about following her class schedule and then getting home to play her online games.
You see, for her everything came easy. She didn’t care much about school or classes but yet she’d pass her tests and classes with flying colors. She was so carefree like she had no worries in life, no care in the world for anything around her. But she did have some weird obsession with this one rabbit character. She has stickers and pictures of this rabbit on everything. Her planner, id, folders, nothing was bare. She just had this creative side that I almost envied.
Our high school had a dress code, everyone had to wear uniforms but somehow, she always found a way to stand out from the crowd. It was like she was begging to be one of a kind, just different from everyone else. But she did not crave the attention either, she was not outspoken and always just kept to herself, yet she still belonged in every group.
She was truly a mystery to behold.
As she starts her college life, she’s one step closer to becoming the artist she’s always wanted to be. A young aspiring artist bursting with enthusiasm to share her creative art and design with the world.
Ah, a wild one she was.
One who knew no fears, had no lack of confidence and was just a tad bit on the quiet side for the normal days standard.
She showed up on the first day of class in a school tshirt they handed out in orientation day that she cut up and designed into a tank dress.
As always, she’s just got to be creative with her outfits.
She’s always received compliments for her fashion sense and style and people who knew her knew she will not walk out her house without being put together.
From accessories to statement pieces in an outfit, she’ll wear them all.
However, she was not what one would call a trendsetter either. Her fashion sense was mostly for herself and people didn’t want to dress like her and she didn’t want to dress like anyone else but on her, it just worked.
I surely do miss this girl.
I would never get to know her personally as our time together was a brief one but there was a hint of sadness in her, one where you may miss at first but as you get to see her more often in classes and around the school, she was always, alone. She never spoke to anyone in the class and she would not say much, just buried in her books and notebook.
In her high school days, everything came easy, but once she started her college life in the art school she wanted to be in, she could see how little of the world of art and being a creative she knew. She was surrounded by people who were just like her, passionate and full of enthusiasm for art and design, but, they were slightly different.
Better? More passionate? More dedicated? More knowledgable?
This confusion led to her being less enthusiastic in her classes, even the art ones. And slowly, she just stopped showing up.
Where is she now? How is she doing? Is she doing the art she’s always loved?
No, she’s not. She’s gone on to become a mother and wife and she’s now a supporter of her little family.
But I do wonder if she’ll ever continue her creative journey in art.
Ah, but she’s already in a creative journey, one in life where she can still express herself in ways that are exciting for her. One where she can discover herself and her loved ones as they share experiences and memories together in happiness and sadness.
To this girl I do hope she knows that she is not to blame for any mishaps that has come her way and that she’s continuing to thrive everyday even when she doesn’t realize it.
A happiness like no other, albeit no reunion, this is a continuation of a life once shared as I continue in her path as a woman she can be proud of.
–pandamom
Me, Myself and I
Sometimes when I’m in my own head, an epic battle is going down between me, myself and I. These past couple of weeks has been a mental war of sorts and sometimes I feel like I’ve won but then another thought comes along and trips me up, stabs me in the back and then points and laugh at me in my face while I’m trying to stop the bleeding.
I’m some type of schizo at the moment and I say this because my specific diagnosis is so complex and doesn’t meet any of the criteria 100% so it’s up in the air what to label me.
As always, I’m just a weirdo that doesn’t quite fit in.
I’m used to this, I’ve always been different and I have been blessed with a life so easy that I feel like it’s undeserved.
I’m at a point where I should be in my “destined career” but I’m not. I feel so lost, so unsuccessful. Like I’m lacking in all aspects of life.
I don’t know where to go from here, what my path looks like and I don’t want to care about it, truly, but I cannot help but keep looking into the distance like I’ll be able to grab onto a soaring eagle and take flight to a destination that makes sense to me. One where I’m successful, one where I’m happy, one where I’m healthy. One where my brain works like it should and one that does not self-deprecate as much as I do.
I want to be normal. Whatever normal means, I want it but it is just out of grasp. Like I can feel it right in front of me but yet I can’t see it, can’t grab onto it and I just have to accept that fact.
It’s frustrating, aggravating, and just plain annoying.
Today I’m winningSometimes I’m winning my own battle, sometimes I’m losing, but everyday I’m fighting, with me, myself and I.
I’m exhausted but life is worth living and I will live, I will survive until I can no longer.
I’m a survivor, I’m a fighter, I’m a lover.
I love myself and my family and friends.
Today is a day to celebrate love, and I raise my taped up glass to you.
Cheers~
Panda Mom
The Peace of Conversation
I dream of days where exists an exchange of thoughts and opinions to be insightful, honest & peaceful. Where ideas are not judged and picked part but simply expressed and acknowledged for what it’s worth.
Take no offense where none is given and reflect when it is. Days of acceptance and peaceful conversations exist in my dreams.
An open and honest talk with those who share this planet on which we inhabit, striving for much of the same experiences.
To be acknowledged, accepted, and loved for being 100% who I am.
My peaceful days are far and wide. I’ve lived many and will continue to for as long as I’m alive. I sure do hope there’s many more days, peaceful or not, but let us all be civil. Then maybe an exchange of words may not be so unpleasant.
My Life Purpose
When you’ve lived your life in darkness, the light may become overwhelming and even frightening.
You may have to overcome it by yourself but staying strong and believing in yourself will guide you to where you need to go.
Who am I? What do I want? How can I get it? Everything will fall into place once you have these answers.
To answer those questions, you must become extremely self-aware. How well do you work? What do you even consider “work”? How is it defined by you?
Then you may ask yourself, well why do you need to work? The simple answer is to enjoy your own life.
What you must ask yourself is what do you want in life and how can you get it?
The purpose in life is really simple. Satisfaction, contentment and happiness.
What makes you satisfied? How content are you with yourself and where you are and what you have? And this is a tough one: Are you truly happy?
I have found most of these answers but the world is full of endless possibilities and while I’ve accomplished the goals I’ve set for myself so far, I’m always making new goals. Trying new things and most importantly, I’m doing what I want to do to make myself happy. Not at the expense of someone else’s pain, but at my own satisfaction, contentment and happiness.
Note: May is Mental Health Awareness Month and I’d love for people to check in on your loved ones and make sure everything is ok with them.
Til next time cubs ~
Panda Mom
Ripple in a Riptide
Today I’m reflecting a lot. In life, in work, in everything that I do. I feel like I’m getting pulled into another riptide. I’ve never experienced a real riptide, thank whatever force of nature that keeps me safe, but I’ve had a few major set backs in life where I almost drowned in my riptides.
I was looking through an old notebook of mine from 10+ years ago and I found a little excerpt I’d like to share here.
For what I don’t have the courage to say out loud or even type in chat, I want to express in words on this piece of paper.
For a person like me who cannot speak her mind because of fear, fear of betrayal, of rejection, for once I want to tell you everything.
I don’t want to dive head first into anything because I feel too much. What may be a scratch to anyone else is like I’ve exploded into smithereens.
panda mom 2011Much like my last post of being an empath, I really do just feel too much. Things that happen in the world is completely overbearing to the point that I don’t even want to exist in this world. That’s how I’ve felt since I can remember. I don’t remember much of anything beyond a certain age so it’s probably around 20+ years of feeling like this.
It took me 30 years to finally receive the help that I needed to deal and finally get some relief from this type of feeling. It’s exhausting, it’s draining and I’m completely tired of staying alive but boy is it rewarding now.
THANK YOU TO MY MENTAL HEALTH TEAM AND MEDICATION
Truly do not believe I can survive in this world without you.
But I do believe that if there’s a will there’s a way and we just have to keep trying until we do not have to try anymore – everyone’s life will come to an end one day or another, much too early or not, the point of living your life is just because you want to.
I cannot describe the pain of being alive when you sincerely 1000% do not want to and it’s not anyone else’s fault or even our own. We just have to find out what’s making us feel this way and then learn to cope and outgrow that feeling.
Today was a good day. Tomorrow may or may not be. But what I do know for sure is, for my foreseeable future, I want to live to see tomorrow and enjoy the heck out of it.
Til next time cubs~
Panda Mom
Humanity At It’s Finest
Imagine a world where humans were the #1 priority. Where humans actually cared about, wait for it, other humans. Insert laugh track here. Yes, this is a comedy. A real funny shit show.
The world, our society, the human one, is an interesting piece of work. Where the fuck did we come from and how are we still here?
What we have in place now must be working, right?
Obviously it does as we are supposedly the most resourceful and intelligent beings in existence, right?
We’re a strong population of living beings that are keeping ourselves alive and continuing to thrive but we’re also divided. We can do so much better, but everyday we choose not to.
Imagine how skewed our society is that when providing everyone with basic human needs defaults to no one wanting to do anything anymore. Where no one would contribute back to the society. It’s actually completely laughable.
The society where our doctors, lawyers, cooks, farmers, every single profession would be at stake because no one would have to worry about being able to go home to a warm and safe place with food.
That’s not a joke. It’s a disgrace.
Humans are like cockroaches to other humans. Disposable and completely unnecessary. Until, of course, they do need them.
Everyone outside of the top 1% is a modern day slave. A legal slave to the system. Nothing will change because they are afraid their system will fall. But it doesn’t have to fall.
An opportunity to do better?
Who cares?
The idea that our human society would fall because every single living human being has their basic needs met is not just laughable, it’s a disgrace.
Shame on all of us.
The Human Society: Where the #1 priority is the quality of life of other humans.